Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
