Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Randomize
