she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Randomize
