i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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