After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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