dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
