drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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