the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
My ATM looks so different sober.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Randomize
