I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
you didnt know i had herpes?
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
