$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
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Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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