can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
you traded sex for a burrito?
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize
