I hate your face
They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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