i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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