Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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