Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
