there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
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He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
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