Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
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This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
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you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
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