I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
