I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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