Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
