yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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