Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
