I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Randomize
