new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Randomize
