a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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