in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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