Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
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