i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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