True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
and you fell through a lawn chair
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
