He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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