this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
