Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize