What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
