I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
