Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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