I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
