You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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