My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
