things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
