First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
