He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
We got so high we made milksteak
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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