Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
