Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Randomize
