there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
