like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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