So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Randomize
