If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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