Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Randomize
