My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Randomize
