Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I can text with my tongue
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
