Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
