Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
