Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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