as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Randomize
