I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
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