I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I can't put those talents on a resume
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
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