The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
